想家 [homesick]

I started writing this blog post two months ago for completely different reasons. I was in China, it was almost holiday time, and frankly I was spinning to whack the piñata at my own personal pity party. I verbally processed through my fingers all that was confusing within, but decided to hold it back, knowing that the feelings, confusion, and sorrow wouldn't last forever.

[from November 14^th] I'm not a huge fan of lying, so I'm not going to lie to you. The above title is a very real reality for people living abroad for a short period of time. There's a deeply embedded longing for what is familiar, and for as much as one can try to simulate what the actual experience would be, it's just not the same. There's some things that are just not going to be a part of my life for the next six months: simple things like driving a car. It would be so nice to hop in a vehicle and take a drive up to the lake. {Ontario that is}. Like ordering a pizza. How many Friday nights have passed when we just wanted to order ourselves a pizza for surviving the week.  But those things won't be happening any time soon, and I'll just have to get over it.

Now here I sit two months later with a very new perspective on the whole scenario, surviving the holidays, loving the holidays, and still living abroad. For our yearly conference, all employees find themselves in Chiang Mai, Thailand. A mere few days ago, my teammates and I found ourselves in the Bangkok airport, bewildered at the heat and confused as to how to catch our next flight, process immigration and obtain boarding passes. To make an exceedingly long story as short as possible: it wasn't the greatest experience in the world. In the midst of my confusion and frustration I caught myself saying a very common phrase:

“I just want to go home”

But this was different. This home meant China. This ‘home’ meant Harbin, with its frigid air and all. Looking around the airport we were surrounded by a new language, new temperatures, and new colors of people [most of whom were white]. These were all unfamiliar things, and even though I can hardly get by in my Chinese and most of the time Chinese characters are completely useless to me, they’re still familiar. I am not claiming to know everything about China, really I know very little. I’m comfortable being stupid in China. Going to another country, I forgot just how terrible it feels to be lost and unfamiliar with your surroundings. 

At what point did things change? When did China become home? There are studies upon studies that say in order for a person to feel and fully adjust to being “home” takes approximately 4 years. {No wonder saying goodbye to college was so hard.} I’ve only been in China 5 months. At least in my mind, China doesn’t ever seem to quite fit in with the “norm.” It’s a very special place. It’s home.