maybe in the future...

If it's one thing I've adapted well at, it's the Chinese art of being vague. This means simple answers to questions; no need to add complex words and reasonings they won't be able to understand. This also means the addition of the word "maybe" to approximately every other sentence. 

"Miss Kayla, what are you doing?" 

"Oh, maybe I will go have dinner." 

Am I on my way to dinner? Well, yes, but there are hundreds of possibilities that can happen between me and the dining hall that would distract me or re-navigate me to do else wise. Therefore, 'maybe' implies that I have the intention of, but doesn't necessarily commit me to doing said action.

It's going to be a mess trying to sort this new behavior out of my system. Originally it drove me crazy, but now I see it's usage and power and sometimes, it simply makes me laugh. 

"Is he your boyfriend?" 

"Maybe he is my boyfriend."  

While "well is he or isn't he??" is the logical question in this situation, I've come to learn that body language and facial expressions mean so much more than words. I can see myself giving these kind of responses to my friends, and then quickly following that comes a slap on the shoulder or a punch in the arm. It probably won't fly in America, but that doesn't mean I won't use it. "Maybe in the future…" is one of the most common phrases that I have heard all year. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if I had tallied all of the key phrases that exit my students mouths, 'maybe in the future' would definitely be a winner. Prior to coming here, my mind would quickly jump to Ingrid Michaelson and her infamous song 'Maybe', which spurs on another slew of mixed emotions so we won't even touch that for now.

I'm marking Wednesday April 11 as the day it all began. Simple stuff, having ma la tang with students, answering routine questions, "what are your hobbies besides singing? What's your favorite movie? What will you do for summer holiday?" Every once and awhile I get the question "Why did you come to China?" , which I love answering. This particular group of students however kept going with my response. "You work for an organization? How did you get here? Did they teach you to teach? Why Harbin? Why are the other teachers here?"

Then the dreaded questions came.

"Did you sign a contract? How long is that good for? Will you come back?"

I don't know how this happened. Our students talk. They sit in the same classroom all day and go back t the dorms where they sleep like sardines at night. Anything, really, anything that exits a foreign teachers mouth is quickly widespread to the freshman English population. Starting fun little "rumors" about the other teacher is always a blast because soon everyone knows and Laura is bombarded with ridiculous questions. Point is, they talk. I know that I have told students that I'm not returning. Somehow, these kiddos missed the memo.

Lunch with Anne, Lara, Colby and Tessa.

I answered them all with one word answers. Prior to answering the last one I averted eye contact, finding a new fascination with my keyring. I looked back up to see three sets of big, red, and wet eyes staring back at me. Mine quickly mirrored what theirs were doing.

Colby, my dear sweet and senseless Colby quickly brought his hand up to cover his eye and cheek where a tear had just fallen. Facing me [and looking like a person trying to impersonate a pirate] he exclaimed "but we have so many happy and positive memories of you! They will live in our hearts forever!" Thank you, Colby. Your flowery and nonsensical language makes this process so much easier.

Well, if there's any way you're looking to ruin an afternoon, that's certainly one of them. I couldn't do anything. No focus, no drive, just... "wahhhh". [Come on, you know that emotion, right?]

Later that evening our team got together for a little singing and chit-chat time. Tiff-Tiff and I chatted the night away and in the midst of that time received unexpected text messages, sending us both to opposite sides of an emotional spectrum. Hers from Rambo, mine from Carol, arguably my favorite student, one whom I've spent some serious time on my knees for as this girl has just captured my heart in a sick and beautiful way.

"Hi, my dear teacher. I'm sorry to disturb you at such a late time. Did you cry today? I heard that you were sad because you are going back to your home. Don't be upset, ok?? If you are sad, I will be sad too."

My reaction was surprising, even to me, as I busted out in uncontrollable sobs and sent Tiffany on a whirlwind of thoughts as to "who died?"After some composure I was able to respond in a mentally and emotionally stable way.

"oh my dear, you are so great. To be honest, yes, I was a little sad because I love you all so much. Sometimes when I think about you all I am overwhelmed with love. We have so much time to make happy memories, I will try not to be sad. Thank you for caring about me." 

China has a special way of dealing with emotions: swallowing them. I've tried that before, that style just doesn't work for me. I know I'll be receiving many a critique from my students, as tears here are conveyed as a sign of weakness. The theme this semester has been all about shattering their world view. They know that their teacher is not weak, and they know that their teacher loves them. Maybe they'll get to learn that tears are a sign of sincerity and meaning.

"I'm not only the study monitor, but also your friend, so its my duty to care about you" 

Cue more sobs.

Maybe in the future they won't be so painful.

April 11, you are the day it all began...

**I understand how you could feel that Carol's response could be somewhat superficial and awkward, but to a Chinese person, to do something out of "duty" means more than what our first thought is. It is something they do with great loyalty, pride, and they put their while being into it. To be a part of someone's "duty" is a great honor.